When I thought about healing, I used to think I would heal in a certain amount of time and that would be that I would pick the pieces back up and move on with my life.
I thought of myself in two versions, the broken me and the healed me, and the two never crossed paths, but healing isn’t like that. There is no such clear divide.
Most of the time healing happens in small often insignificant moments, some days they will feel stronger, larger moments where you feel completely in control and like your life is in motion once again. Other days you will feel stagnant, stuck in quicksand wanting to move but feeling pulled to the spot with no end in sight.
On those hard days you will feel like you are swimming against a strong current, you will search for answers that may not even exist, you will question everything you have ever said, every moment you have ever felt. You will feel every emotion as if for the first time. You will feel lost and alone and like there is no end in sight to heal you from the pain you are experiencing.
What I am learning is healing isn’t black and white, it goes up and down and back and forth many times over. But you can never give up, you can never stop taking care of yourself in the process.
Healing is not pretty; it is heart-breaking and it is painful.
But as with all dark days, you will have moments where you see light, you see hope and those are the days you need to hold onto, those are the days that keep your head above water, the sunshine on your back.
These are the days you should hold onto.
These are the days that will help you find your way.
Ultimately healing takes time, it happens when you’re lying awake at 3am, it happens when you’re tossing and turning, it even happens without your realising and when you least expect it.
I know how it feels when your mind hurts, your body aches and you feel like you’re going to feel this way forever.
So, what am I doing in this healing process? It’s moving so slowly for me that sometimes it feels like it has just stopped, and I will be stuck in this limbo forever.
But I am told that every day is progress, every moment is leading to a brighter better day.
I want to believe I will not be healing forever, but who knows? I guess it’s about learning to be patient.