This week has been by far one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a long time and if I’m honest I don’t feel good at all.
I’ve been sleeping badly, overeating, undereating, struggling to focus. Moreover I’ve had a few women issues and personal problems to contend with so overall this week has well and truly knocked me sideways.
But more than any of that my heart feels heavy.
My mind is full, and my body feels weary.
I have so much to say yet I can’t find the right words.
I’ve not been able to fully enjoy any part of this week without a wave of sadness washing over me.
All of things I usually take delight in, I’ve either cancelled or just not turned up, which isn’t like me at all but you know when you just don’t have it in you to fake a smile?
I haven’t got it in me to pretend that everything is fine.
I just haven’t got the energy to lie to anyone that asks me if I’m okay.
I have cried every single day since last Monday and even though I know that’s not right I’ve had to allow myself to feel that way because I couldn’t not.
I posted two pictures of myself on my Instagram that were taken five days apart, I wanted to show the two different sides to me. The ‘Instagram’ me and then one to sum up exactly how I felt. No make up, swollen eyes from hours of crying and just a complete lack of any effort.
Because I’m tired of pretending.
Tired of not saying how I really feel.
And how do I really feel?
Scared…scared for myself.
Scared that the dark place I’ve found myself in will never leave me.
Terrified that I will never get over this feeling of loss and sadness.
And more than anything, I feel empty.
And I miss him, but that’s nothing new I guess.
What I keep telling myself is this, I have been here before.
I will get over this, because I have too, I don’t have any choice anymore.
But just sometimes, you can’t fake how you feel, you just have to give into it.