I have always wanted to be in love.
Hell, I love being in love.
From covering my walls in posters of Ben from A1 to feeling actual heartbreak when Ronan Keating got married (whilst riding a motorbike I might add) my expectations have always been somewhat unrealistic.
I was a complete late bloomer in love, I met my first serious boyfriend when I was 15 only for him to not even really know I existed. He was 17 and looked like Justin Timberlake. I fell in love with him whilst working my Saturday job in the same department as him and would often find reasons just to be in his company. I remember him telling a group of us about this girl he fancied at college and I was devastated.
He wasn’t interested.
And I wasn’t hot.
I met him again when I was 19 and spending my weekends with too much black eyeliner on and drinking way too much cheap vodka and this time, he noticed me, and we fell in love.
I then spent the next 10 years with him, we did all the things you do when you’re in love. We went on holidays, we moved in together, we got pets. He knew all my secrets and I knew all his. His family became my family. We went through our best times together and our worst times. I spent my whole growing up years with him by my side. He knew me better than I knew myself.
But I remember the moment I felt I was falling out of love with him and it broke my heart. I didn’t do anything about it for a further three years but looking back I distanced myself from him, physically, emotionally and sexually. I started to look at other people in a way I had only ever looked at him and I knew it was the end.
It was painful, difficult and I missed him terribly. But what everyone tells you is true, that pain is only temporary, you do get through it. And I did because I knew it was the right decision. What made it in part so hard was neither of us had done anything wrong, there was no cheating, we didn’t hate each other. I just knew I didn’t want to marry him.
There was however no bad blood and I still desperately wanted to keep him in my life, but I knew that wasn’t fair to him.
And then without realising love comes around again. You don’t think it will, it pops up completely out of the blue. You didn’t even realise you could love again.
And your heart feels full, life is exciting, you feel exhilarated.
But then it starts to get scary, you soon realise you’re falling in love and love is shit scary.
You soon realise that to be in love you must love, and you must accept that there is a possibility you will get hurt.
Learning to embrace it could all end up in heartache is difficult. Yet we accept this risk, sometimes several times over.
Love often hypnotises you, and is it worth it?
Of course, it is, the reward of love is so much more than any pain you go through.
To love someone, truly love someone is one of the greatest gifts we can give another person.
And even when we don’t think we can ever love again, we somehow do.
So even though I may be far from that teenager with posters on my wall, I still believe in life after love.
I still want to be loved.
And more importantly I want to be in love.